Safeguard
by Mrs. Elliot Stabler
Summary: Kate knows she is too damaged for Jack. She believes she deserves only pain. All Jack wants to do is help her, protect her, make her his. He wants to be her safeguard but will she let him? Set up until S3Greatest Hits
1. Chapter 1

Pain is a close friend of mine. In fact it has been the one, true constant in my life. When we came here, the pain that resulted from this wretched place-it wasn't even a surprise. Every other passenger was agonizing over their fate-("why me?") and I knew I deserved it, the sting of hopelessness. But, Jack…he is …he deserves peace, a moment free from pain-a chance to be something other than the martyr. Until Jack I believed that I deserved only sorrow, but sometimes the way he looks at me, moments when neither of us breathe when I feel as if he can't see my scars, my cracks, I feel this twinge of hope. Redemption. It is unsettling to be so utterly vulnerable. There are times when I feel his eyes could pierce through me. There is such strength; such kindness in him I find myself wishing that he could somehow spread these things to me through those gazes. Then fear sets in; If he bleeds into me like that will my darkness taint him as well ? The idea of my sins poisoning a man of such integrity is unthinkable. I ache to be with him, to have him hold me, to have his hand cup my cheek, his lips whisper in my ear, his strong arms cradle me as we sleep, but not if it means he will become damaged. I can live with this ache, I can continue with this pain, but only if I know its darkness will never touch him.

With Sawyer it is easier. We are both so damaged that we can't hurt each other; both of us bleed darkness. I know I don't love him. When he gazes at me I feel…it's not the same. Sawyer is the man I deserve but he is not the one I want and he and I both know that. I feel sick when I think of Jack watching us, that day in the cage. I brought him pain, I tarnished him. I know I did because I feel the same when I see him with Juliet. I thought pain and I were well acquainted, but now I feel something new, something far worse-anguish. And worse yet it is self inflicted. I created this mess because I was too weak to let Jack in.


	2. Chapter 2

Ok Dear Audience-

If this story is awful please tell me. I don't want to keep going if people hate it. So please, I know it is a hassle but if you could, please review! Just two words-"keep going" or "stop now" is all I need to know. I am an English major with a unhealthy attachment to Lost and I have been reading fanfic for years but always too chicken to write one myself until now, so be kind 


	3. Chapter 3

She thinks I don't see it. The pain, the fear, the desperation. But I do see it, all of it. She is the strongest person I have ever known. So much sorrow and she keeps it inside, buries it deep within her and moves forward scars and all. I don't know a lot about her past -- clips and fragments I've pieced together from her comments, a few stories, but I do know what these things have done to her. I see the damage that the people in her life have caused and it breaks my heart. I am a doctor-I see something broken and I fix it. I am damn good at it, but I can't fix this I can't fix her because she won't let me. I have never felt so useless in all my life. I want so badly to help her. There are times when I look at her and it is hard not to cry. I ache for her in a way that startles me. I want her to be whole, I want her to feel safe, feel happy, I want her to feel loved, but mostly I want her to be mine. I see a strand of her hair graze her cheek and I have to stifle a moan. She is electricity, she is incandescent, she is so painfully wounded and it makes me want to be that safeguard for her. I want to be the person she clings to when that pain in her eyes flashes. If she would open herself up let me in I could protect her, but mostly I could simply be on her team. She is strong but a person can only fight so much darkness on their own for so long. I know I can't swoop in and fix it all, but I want to struggle alongside her against these demons. This poison that is slowing killing her – is killing me too. One thing I will not do is continue to look in those eyes and see the anguish and not do something to stop it.

I remember not being able to breathe when I saw her standing on the other side of that glass. Pain was something I was used to seeing in her gaze, but it was always sharp and intense. That day it was a dull, flat grief and it chilled me to my bones. She was slowly losing her fight, her strength and for that I wanted to kill every "Other" in my sight. Her spirit was broken. When she touched her palm to the glass I could feel it -- the loss of life within her. I choked back tears and managed to ask her the one question that had been gnawing into me from the moment I knew I would be separated from her. I couldn't protect her here and it was eating me up inside. "Did they hurt you ?" And then she broke, some of that pain flashed across her face and released and I secretly thanked God because she was still with me. My girl was not gone yet, there was still some fight in her, not just a shell as I had feared. And I began to hate that glass wall, the painful irony of its presence-there was always a wall between us not a strong one, but fragile, could easily be broken down if we had the guts to do it. But it was a protection, kept us at a safe distance from one another – being able to observe each other and exchange gazes of a 1000 different emotions but never close enough to touch. When she began to sob I felt it, my body became wracked with grief but I couldn't touch her, couldn't pull her into my chest and soothe her because of that damn wall. To be able to really feel someone else's emotions…it scares me a little…the absolute devotion I feel towards her. I have never felt this strongly in my entire life. I would kill for her without hesitation. And when she pleaded with me to do the surgery to save Sawyer I felt…I…I was angry. For her to come to me and ask that…for him…I wanted to break the glass with my fists. She was finally opening up, letting someone else in, fighting alongside someone and it wasn't me. She was opening up to Sawyer. I wasn't the one she wanted and it was killing me. I felt dizzy, the blood was racing through me as my emotions were seething and with as much self control as I could muster I called this situation for what it was, an absolute defeat, "We're done here".

I didn't believe I could feel pain more piercing than what I felt in that moment until I saw her in that cage with him. I couldn't breathe, my knees were weak, blood was draining from my face and I was sick to my stomach. I had to look twice because I was in such shock. It felt as if I were dying, every part of my body shutting down and then I heard Ben's voice. His glib comment and condescending smirk and it made me snap into focus. I said I would kill for her and I meant it. Seeing his face, knowing he was the reason this had all happened – he was responsible for pushing her to him. I pleaded with him to give me a reason to pull that trigger. I wanted it so badly. But then it occurred to me – that scared expression of hers that broke my soul. I promised myself that I would be the one constant for her—I would be her safeguard even if she didn't feel the same loyalty to me. Killing Ben would not help her. Satisfying my rage and disgust would not keep her safe. So I swallowed the hatred and agreed to his request. I would fix him and in the process save her, but then I would have to let her go. She was not mine. But, I would be damned if I was going to stand by and watch her give herself to Sawyer, share with him all the things I had ached for all these months. He was going to be those things for her and I was the sacrifice on the other side of that ill-fated glass wall.

More??


	4. Chapter 4

What had I done to him? The way he sounded on the walkie-talkie. The chill I felt when he screamed for me to run. There was such a sense of desperation, fear…pain in his voice – I hurt him. Deeply. It made me want to weep. I…I knew that he…somehow knew about Sawyer and me…what we. It made me sick, thinking about what he must have felt. Then for him to make a sacrifice like that for me but for Sawyer too. I know I don't deserve a man this good. I pleaded with him not to do it – not for someone like me. "Jack I can't leave without you." When I think of him demanding to hear the proof that I had safely escaped with Sawyer- he wanted to hear the story. Our story. "So I let the fear in…" I flashbacked to that first moment when we met and we touched. The sound of his voice when he was telling it…the way he choked back tears, I felt such warmth, I knew instantly this was a man that I could trust. He was so strong, so human. And telling him that story over the walkie-talkie, knowing what was happening, knowing what he was doing for me it was all too much. I could feel the blood pounding in my ears. I could hear him breathing heavily. Everyone around us…Sawyer, Juliet…they could feel what was between us. The tension and sadness of that moment made them voyeurs spying on an intimate moment that only lovers can share. I was saying goodbye to my…to him and it was like he was slipping away from me, _because_ of me and there was nothing I could do. I wasn't even trying to hide my anguish, the sobs escaping so loudly that they muffled my words. My heart was breaking and it was my own fault. I did this, all of this. Sawyer's eyes on me as I repeated the words—it was obvious to him that he never really had me. And then Jack's voice as he pleaded with me to make that promise. "Don't come back here for me Kate" I felt such guilt…I …needed him…I still do.

I had to make it right. I owed him that much. He deserved better than this. I thought he wanted me to come, to risk for him to try to repay him for what he did, for who he is to me, but even then I screwed things up. Whatever I touch is poisoned. He didn't want me to come back. "I didn't think you meant it." Handcuffed in that room looking at him I understood. I saw in him something that scared me to the core. He had given up on us. He had resigned himself away from me, that thin wall that had always been between us was getting thicker. He was closed off from me, flat, almost formal-he was talking at me not to me, trying to make it through without breaking down. The sight of me was a stab to his heart. I looked at him and I saw pain, pure sadness. I broke him, he didn't trust me anymore, his eyes didn't gaze at me with that sense of faith only disappointment. I realized I could not repair it, he didn't pierce me with his gaze anymore and for the first time since I met him I felt cold inside. Whatever we had I killed it. The first thing he asked "Did they hurt you?" made me feel more ashamed than I had ever felt before. He had done all this, was going through all this, and still he asked if I was ok. It shattered me to feel such guilt. I wanted him to snap out of it. Come to life, scream at me, call me a whore, tell me how much I hurt him anything but this cool, distant chit-chat. This was not my Jack. This was some hollow replacement. "What did they do to you?" I got down on my knees, took a breath, and tried to capture his gaze, look at him the way we used to, when our breathes would catch, eyes locked, letting each other in even if just for a moment. My hands on his and I whispered, pleading with him to come back. "What did they do to you Jack?" I know he was still there, eyes glossy with tears, he was scared to look at me, we both knew what that would mean. He told me the deal he made, whispered to me that it was our best shot at rescue, but it was hard to focus. My head began to spin, he was leaving, leaving me. I am strong but not that strong…to be here without him…I can't…I needed him. And then he said it. He told me he knew, "I trust them because you told me to Kate…when you asked me to save Sawyer's life." It was a bullet, I couldn't breathe. There was such bitterness, pain I had caused. I knew I had to let him go, give him the chance he gave me. If he was away from me then I couldn't hurt him anymore. The darkness I had wouldn't spread to him any longer. I was trembling, crumbling inside, knowing that I was losing him, and then he came behind me. I could feel his strength encircling me, I shuddered at the sudden warmth his presence brought me, the slight touch of his stubbled cheek as it grazed my neck. He whispered with such fervent devotion, a ragged pledge, "But I will come back here for you." I couldn't breathe or speak and then he was gone and it was cold again.

"And now because of me you can't go home" I sobbed. I leaned against the bead-board of the dusty hallway staring at him, wracked with shame. Why do I keep hurting him? The guilt was beginning to swallow me. I can deal with my pain. Not his. He tries to be so strong, so selfless for everyone else, especially me. And I…what am I for him? The poison he can't seem to shake. I have taken everything from the one person in my life who has been nothing but good. "I am so sorry" I repeat it over and over again. Barely forming the words as I whimper, hoping that the repetition of this phrase will somehow wipe away the dark blots. I was sorry. For so many things. The look on his face, he was trying to make sense of it, hold it all in, avoiding my gaze at all cost. I don't deserve his eyes on me anymore, not after all I have done. Then I heard "Even Juliet ?" and my blood turned to ice. The wind knocked out of me as I realized what had happened. He replaced me. I was beyond his redemption, beyond his trust, no longer worthy of his concern. Juliet was now his priority. She became for him what Sawyer was now becoming for me. A comfortable distraction, a safety valve for the tension between Jack and I and the brokenness between us. That sickening feeling of hopelessness and anguish was flooding back and I felt the world turn cold again. This was it. That glass wall between us was now stone and neither of us were welcome on the other side. No more observations, soul-bearing gazes that meant more than anything in the world. And, at that moment I felt closer to Sayid than I did to the man I had clung to for so long as my safeguard, my protection, my chance at something better.


	5. Chapter 5

I am not sure of…well…anything anymore. It had always been complicated between us…what we were to each other. But, there were these moments when I thought I knew – simple, trivial little flirtations when the pressure of the island wasn't in the forefront of my mind. Brief little treasures I replay and analyze a million times over searching for a deeper significance. "It's just that you, and your tattoos don't add up." The shiver I felt when she touched my arm. The twinkle in her eye as she smiled. That day I watched her by the waterfall in the cave, looking happy. It was one of the few moments I have seen where she truly looked at peace. And then I gave her those guava seeds…her face lit up…and I felt like a hero for making that happen. That night by the fire, the sling she made me. I felt cared for…it was nice for once to be the patient. Then the way she smiled when I said thank you. It was more than just a friend helping…I know it was. When I examined Sawyer, enjoying a little payback, but more importantly showing Kate that I cared enough about her to swallow my pride and help him. "I didn't do it for him" and then she smiled, knowing what that loaded phrase meant, understanding that it took a lot of courage for me to say it, and we looked at one another and for a split second I felt it – that rush of fear and longing and I know in my heart that she felt it too. That day I saw her on the beach. Her hair was blowing slightly across her face and her eyes were so… I wanted to say something to her…have a reason to come closer. She was just so beautiful and I… Her smile when she saw me approach it was like reassurance that she wanted me there with her, it felt…it felt good. This incredible woman, so much pain, but that day she seemed like a little girl. "I'm doing something. I'm sinking." It made me love her more – the idea that she still had such spark in her after a lifetime of hurt. Then she offered me a little glimpse, she opened a bit and I felt so privileged. "I used to do it with my mom when I was a kid." To mention her to me, to bring up a piece of her past meant that she trusted me…and that was huge.

That kiss. I found her, alone and she was so tired, so scared—she was at the breaking point. And I yelled at her. I was so frustrated – tired of being pushed out. She is always trying to hide it, keep it bottled up (I know a little about that) but from me especially. She thinks I won't like what I see if she lets me in all the way, that I am too good or something. "I'm sorry that I am not as perfect as you ! I'm sorry I'm not as good !" It hurt me when she pulled away. I grabbed her, pulled her back and she struggled against me. And then gave in…I held her tightly, it felt so good to be able to touch her, to comfort her the way I had always wanted to. She was crying, breaking down that shield she always hid behind and and she appeared so small, so desperate, so weary. She wasn't hiding from me and she wasn't struggling to get away she was really letting me in. "This place is crazy. I can't it's driving me nuts." And then she looked at me. Her face was filled with such…honesty…she was vulnerable, completely, in front of me for the first time and then she kissed me. Her hands on my face her mouth on mine, I wanted to explode. It was like an electric current shot through my veins. Desire, shock, pain, fear, and love all shooting through me at once. She tasted so good and I wanted her so… I felt completely incapacitated. But, I knew that the moment our lips would part she was going to draw back behind that shield. I couldn't enjoy the moment because I knew what would happen once it ended. The panic flashed across her face –terrified that she had revealed too much to me. And the pleasure of our kiss made the absence of her touch all the more devastating. I struggled to stop my head from spinning. She ran and I knew it would be a mistake to follow. Then later when we were alone by that fire, "I'm sorry I kissed you." I knew it was my chance to take a leap. I was tired of pretending that this… between us was nothing, I steadied my breathing and braced myself for the risk I was about to take… "I'm not". And now there is not an hour that goes by, even after everything that has happened that I don't agonize over what her response would have been had we not been interrupted.

These moments were something…they had to be… and she felt it too. I refuse to believe that it was wishful thinking, my pathetic attempt to reason out our relationship. I couldn't have misread all of it…there were too many times when I saw my feelings reflected in her eyes. But now, what are we? We have been back on the beach for days and I can't even look at her without my heart aching. Sawyer's constant presence makes my hands turn to fists. I don't sleep when I am away from her, lying awake wondering and I don't breathe when I'm near her. I can't just pretend… blot it all away…there is too much there to forget. But living like this is killing me. I am mourning the loss of a relationship that never really existed, picking apart these moments in my mind creating ghosts and more pain as I go. What am I holding onto? Shadows. I am not what she wanted. I am the shell of a man who tried to save her but couldn't and now I can't even save myself. Some doctor.


	6. Chapter 6

Ya'll have been so supportive with the reviews! It means the world to me so **thank you** **so much**. I truly take what you say to heart so I appreciate all the comments more than you can know. When I see reviews it makes me want to sit down and write another chapter immediately so… reviews updates (hint, hint -- nudge, nudge)

I do have a plan for this story (promise). I'm not going to continue with flashbacks forever but I feel that it is important to go back to this stuff so that where I am heading with these two means a bit more. Romance and all the gushy business is only satisfying if there is a lot of angst leading up to it. (At least that is what I think) So, with that in mind get ready for some character interaction soon. It will take a little longer to write because it is tricky. I want to do this right and I am absolutely not going to post a chapter with awkward dialogue. I want it to sound like the characters are actually saying it, so if it is even a bit off, out of place, or corny I will have to re-do the whole thing. My biggest pet peeve is awkward dialogue—it absolutely makes me cringe. Ok that is way too much about me so next chapter will be back to our favorite little couple. Love you guys and stick with me please. Writing this and having it be received so well by ya'll has just made my week! So again, thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up yesterday morning with a pit in my stomach – the kind of gnawing anxious fear that something terrible has happened or worse yet, that something terrible is about to. Then, I realized that his arm was around my waist and my head on his shoulder. This is what that gnawing feeling was referring to. I was in Sawyer's tent. I was pressed against his body. We were not dressed. I had slept with him…again. I laid my head back down and contemplated bursting out in tears. It is my own fault. I was like a bird that was stuck inside a skylight, backing up and slamming into the window over and over again. What the hell am I doing? With him…here…like this. The first time…oh God "the first time"…we were in a life and death situation, we were scared and desperate for some comfort. It is a weak excuse but plausible. But this…this was deliberate. I came to him. I kissed him. I am the one who started this up again…with him. I am my own unhappiness—I don't need anyone else to help, I create pain. Sawyer doesn't realize what I am doing…he thinks I want this, that I want him. I have no right to treat him this way, no excuse, but last night seeing Juliet and Jack…together…sitting and laughing by a fire the way we used to it felt like…like I had been stabbed. The anguish I felt when I realized Jack had moved on…it made me sick. I was losing focus, I could hardly stand up and then I saw Sawyer's tent. I was weak, he was there, it was too easy and the idea of going off to my tent alone was too hard. I don't have that kind of strength anymore. Not without him…I felt such shame. What if Jack sees me, sees me coming out of this tent, realizes why, and decides that Sawyer and I are a couple.

I am too damaged for him, too many scars. He doesn't want me now, I know that, but I have never stopped wanting him. I would give anything to go back, blot out what has happened, muster the courage and tell him, but I know in my mind that even if this island of tricks could allow me my do-over I would still have found a way to screw it up. The end would be the same…me guilt-ridden and broken and Jack my collateral damage. What I touch becomes poisoned.

I made it out of the tent without him seeing. I cared more about that than I did if Sawyer felt hurt by my hurried exit. What kind of person am I to feel that callous?

I went back to his tent last night. I have no explanation, no excuse. I was bitter and angry and I wanted to make it go away…to make him go away but I couldn't. I closed my eyes and pretended he had brown hair and when we were finished I imagined that the arm encircling my waist as we slept had that tattoo. I am pathetic…it hurts to see my reflection…to see what I have become. I gathered my things and dressed quietly, making my way out of the tent and I saw his eyes. Jack was up early…taking care of everyone…checking on Claire. Looking in on Sun. He was walking by and his eyes locked with mine. I choked back a sob when I realized that the sudden flash of pain in his features was because of me…what I was doing…whose tent I was leaving. I wanted to die at that moment—the shame was weighing so heavily I felt as if the sand under my feet was sinking. I couldn't form words, an explanation, a lie…all I could do was stare and crumble inside. And he came toward me…taking his steps carefully…until he was inches from me. Whispering sternly "We need to…I need to… talk… to you. Meet me by the caves after everyone has gone to sleep. Please…" I could only nod. He was so firm so strong, but that kindness, the warmth I had missed was still there…it made me shiver. And that gnawing feeling in my stomach returned, but this time there was a twinge of hope mixed with the sting of fear.


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't know about the rest of you but I am absolutely floored by that finale and I still don't think I have recovered yet. I'm sorry to say that it kind of destroys what I had in mind for this story but…if ya'll are willing to pretend like season 3 stopped at "Greatest Hits" and disregard what happened in the finale (piece of cake right? Haha) then I will continue on with "Safeguard" as planned. Deal?**

**Alright I hope this dialogue business isn't too confusing to follow. The words not in quotations are there to describe their thoughts or tone at the time. It is in Jack POV.**

I didn't know what I wanted to say to her. I had no idea why I had even asked her to meet me. I should have buried the pain I felt when I saw her leave his tent and ignored her gaze…but I couldn't. I can't continue fooling myself; I have never been able to control the effect she has on me. But seeing her that morning…I couldn't let this go, couldn't continue on like this. I was going to have to say something to her because living like this – pretending that nothing was different between us…not only was it excruciating it was insulting. Those moments I had replayed in my head, the times we felt that spark…it was something and at the very least I needed her to know that. Not that things were going to change, Sawyer had won, but I needed it, for my own sanity, needed her to know that what we were…it meant something.

I thought I was going to be the first one there, have some time to breathe…think…before she came. When I got to the caves she was leaning against the wall, arms folded across her chest, anxiously biting her bottom lip. The fact that she knew this was serious gave me a strange sense of comfort…she knew that this was coming too. We had been dancing around each other for too long…

"Hey" she offered with a nervous closed lip smile.

"I uh…I'm glad you came." It was all I could think to say.

"It's nice tonight isn't it ? We might actually make it through without a monsoon. That would be great to wake up dry for a change huh? Sun said that the…"

I cut her off, infuriated at her attempt to brush this off, "Kate I didn't ask you here like this to talk about the weather. That's not what this is about. I…"

Suddenly defensive, "Well why don't you tell me what the hell this is about Jack! I mean you don't speak to me for days. Refuse to even look at me. And now we are standing in the middle of this cave…what is all this?"

"This is about us, Kate. What's happened to us. You are honestly telling me you think we don't need to talk?"

Kate's tone was like venom "Ok Jack let's talk! Let's talk about you. I would love to know what happened to you during all that time you spent with the others. But let's see, you haven't said two words to me since you came back. I guess it would be easier to just ask Juliet for an update though huh?"

That was a cheap shot and she knew it. "You leave her out of this. Our problems started long before she came here."

"Excuse me?! Jack, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what I am talking about." My voice was deathly quiet and I said it with as much severity as I could muster. My eyes had truly locked with hers for the first time in weeks and I saw in them…she felt it. I swallowed hard a lump that was in my throat.

"Jack we are not gonna do this…I can't do this…"she was backing away from me. Her face was filled with such fear. I grabbed her arm and she struggled under my grip.

"Like hell we aren't. Do you have any idea what it's like…watching you with him? Knowing I wasn't enough for you! It burns a hole in me every time!"

"Sawyer! This is about Sawyer! My God Jack, is your ego that fragile?" she was livid as she finally broke her arm from my grip.

That last remark hurt me deeply. "Kate this has nothing to do with my ego. I sacrificed that long ago."

"And I guess that is supposed to be my fault right? I am the screw up. I am the mess you keep having to clean up. Well it must be a relief to know that I am not your problem anymore huh?" She was going for the throat at this point.

That socked the wind out of me "Is that what you think? That I think you're my problem? My God Kate…" I shook my head in disbelief, my eyes filled with concern. I reached for her and she flinched from my touch.

"Don't Jack… Don't act like you don't see me that way. I am too old to be pitied. I know what I am." Her voice was so distant, so bitter.

"Kate, damn it! Why do you do this! Keep pushing me away! You act like I am some saint!"

"You are! You don't know me Jack. You just think you do. I have done things…"

"I know Kate. I don't…"

"Let me finish! It's not just things I've done in the past. It's…I'm…" she was at the point of tears.

"You're what Kate?! Huh?"

"I'm damaged! I'm ruined! I hurt the people around me! I poison what I touch! I…"

"Kate you're…"

"Stop Jack! Stop trying to fix this! Stop trying to fix me! I'm not worth it! You think I am this amazing person. This girl who just made a few bad choices, deserves a second chance! Don't you see?!"

"See what Kate?! I can't. You won't let me! You won't let me in! And I want to know why! Why won't you ever just let me all the way in?"

"Because…" she was trembling at this point.

"Tell me Kate!"

"Because I don't want any of it to hurt you!"

"It? What are you talking about?"

"The pain. darkness. All of it. I can handle it on my own if I know you won't be hurt too. I would ruin you and you're too good Jack. I won't do it!" she was desperate, frantic.

I was frantic too. "Kate, look at me." I grabbed her chin, turning it, trying to get her eyes to look in mine.

"What makes you think I am not already ruined? Seeing you with him, knowing you couldn't trust me enough… to let me help you, having to live like this…apart from you. This gnawing ache I feel in my heart every moment of everyday because I know I couldn't save you. I want you. I always have. And living with the knowledge that you have never felt the same…it's…anguish like I have never felt before. So don't for one second think that you are sparing me some kind of pain. I'm broken too." My eyes were so blurry I had trouble seeing her face clearly.

"Jack, don't you see! That's my point. I am the reason you are in such pain! I can't live with that kind of guilt! It's too much! I can't keep doing this…hurting people…hurting you!"

"Do you honestly think that I care about living if it means I have to do it without you? My God Kate, Look at me!" my voice was breaking apart. The emotions were choking me to the point that it was hard to speak.

"Jack, I'm…" her lip was quivering.

"Kate, I don't need you to protect me, I don't need you to feel guilty for me. I just need you."

It was the most honest thing I have ever said in my life. I don't know if it was courage or frustration that made me do it. I guess I was just tired of keeping it inside.

She was gazing at me, both of us almost trembling with the emotions shooting through us. Heads spinning from the adrenaline. Realizing that the things uttered in this place, these moments could not be undone. Whatever happens after tonight, we can't go back and pretend anymore. For once it was completely in the open, nothing could be covered up. I couldn't breathe as the seconds ticked by, just looking back at her waiting for a response, a reaction, anything and I braced myself as I saw her lips part.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you Zille for the suggestion, I went back to chapter 8 and un-italicized Kate's lines. I think you had a good point I thought the same thing initially but I was worried that people would have trouble understanding who was speaking unless I did something to distinguish the lines. Ok then, if there are no objections I am going to continue on with Chapter 9. I am going to break pattern and do two chapters in a row with Jack POV so consider this Chapter 8 and ½ I guess, because it's basically part 2. Alright I know I digress…a lot…sorry! On with the show…**

She was going to push me out again. I cringed internally, waiting for her to back away from me, tell me I was too late, not enough, profess her love for Sawyer. It was the same feeling I had that day when we first kissed…in my mind she was already running away. Seconds bled into minutes and I was finding it harder and harder to stand in front of her. My words were still hanging in the air, held up by the thick tension we had created. It was becoming stifling, hot, and impossible to focus. I felt as if my lungs were going to scream and then I saw her lips part…

"Jack I am not…I can't be that strong. I will let you down. That's what I do. You think you want me but you don't know what that would mean. I promise you, there will be a day when you look at me and all you see is disappointment. You will look in my eyes and wonder what you ever saw in me that was good. You'll try to be noble, try to hide it. But I'll see in your eyes that regret, that loss of faith and… it will kill me. So don't make me do this Jack, because as hard as this is now, that day scares me more. The day you realize I am not worth it." Her eyes were glossy from the tears she was crying as she shook her head, warning me to stay back.

I moved toward her again, trying to pull her into my arms, "Kate…don't…" My head was shaking in disbelief and I was now crying. Guys don't cry but I was past the point of caring. I was fighting for my life in this moment.

"You are not damaged! You aren't ruined! You aren't poison or darkness or evil! You are the strongest person I have ever known. That day you are so scared of…that day when I am supposed to give up on you, leave you, regret you, be ashamed of you…it's not going to come. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see yourself the way I see you? What you are…it's everything to me! I don't know how else to say it, to make you understand. I was a ghost before I met you. I am not this noble, saint…I was a shell, walking around, going through the motions, dead to everything and everyone. If I couldn't control something I shut it out. No emotion. But, you…I…I didn't really breathe until that day on the beach, after the crash…you were coming around that tree. Your hair was blowing across your face and you were wearing a white cotton shirt, and you looked…my God Kate…you looked so alive…so beautiful…I didn't know what to do…it hurt…it physically hurt to be near you because for the first time in my entire life I wasn't numb. So don't for one second think that there is anything you can do to make me let go. You aren't going to ruin me. I'm not good Kate. I'm a coward. I have spent my life backing down from things, so afraid of being hurt that I never fought for what I wanted…(I grabbed her face with my hands, and looked as deeply in her eyes as I could) I want you. More than anything… so I don't give a damn what you've done in your past, because I know what you are…who you are. I see you…I see you and I love you. I'm here Kate. I'm right here and I'm not running and I'm not backing down. " This was it -- she was going to have to make a choice but at least I know that I put it all out there. It is the only time in my life I have ever felt truly brave.


	10. Chapter 10

There has never been anyone in my life that made me feel loved. I have felt desired, wanted, but never loved. Its ok… I believed that there was some flaw in me, some defect that made me incapable of it. It was something I was never going to have so…after a while I became indifferent. I figured out long ago that the easiest way to avoid pain, or at the very least minimize its sting was to just not feel anything at all. So when I met Jack it was…he was what I always believed I wasn't meant to have so I tried to block him out. But I couldn't do it. With him…I found myself hoping, found myself feeling and that terrified me. I started to imagine nights where I would fall asleep wrapped in his arms, so deliriously happy it would all seem hazy. I pictured little moments – the feeling of his palm as it would grasp mine, the tickle on my neck as he whispered something behind me. There would be these endless, soul – bearing talks, he would tell me about his father, med school, his pets. I would talk about my past, my mother; bear it all to him knowing I could trust him with it. There would be this incredible openness between us…such comfort and protection. Then everything flipped upside down, the others took us, that day I pleaded with him from the other side of the glass, when he sacrificed himself and told me to run, that night sitting on the pool table -- knowing I was the reason he was so broken. These flashes were warnings. They were telling me that this was the only outcome possible, that my foolish daydreams were dangerous. So I let them go for his sake and my conscience, I let him go…knowing that I would have to live without feeling anything for the rest of my life. But then he came to me, as I was sneaking out of Sawyer's tent and he told me to meet him and that fear set in again. I was going to have to push Jack away, stay strong, stay distant – it was the only thing I could do to protect him. Then we spoke and my plan was shot to hell. It all went wrong. We were both saying too much. I was leaving myself vulnerable. He was risking more and more of himself and we were both starting to crumble. I was running out of excuses, losing my resolve. He just kept pulling me in, the kindness and sincerity I had always loved in him was wearing me down. I found myself slipping, starting to feel, beginning to hope that those daydreams were possible but the fear and all the pain was still so strong. They are my constants, my personal demons and it is hard to make them just disappear. But his eyes on me, his trust in me, his astonishing devotion…his love…it made me break.

"So don't for one second think that there is anything you can do to make me let go. You aren't going to ruin me. I'm not good Kate. I'm a coward. I have spent my life backing down from things, so afraid of being hurt that I never fought for what I wanted…(I grabbed her face with my hands, and looked as deeply in her eyes as I could) I want you. More than anything… so I don't give a damn what you've done in your past, because I know what you are…who you are. I see you…I see you and I love you. I'm here Kate. I'm right here and I'm not running and I'm not backing down. "

I couldn't speak; the emotion was so intense it was choking me. All I could do was move. I placed my hands on him, running my fingers slowly up his arm, hesitating slightly, feeling the spark that ran through me as I touched him, eventually running them across his chest before they came to rest behind his neck. I leaned forward close enough to his face that I could feel his ragged breath, my heart was pounding, and my head was spinning. I just stayed there, inches from his mouth, my forehead resting against his own, barely able to stand and unable to move any closer. I was getting dizzy, adrenaline charging every part of me with electricity. I wanted him so desperately it was physically hurting me.

"Say it Kate. Tell me you love me. I know you do…I feel it. Say it!" He was whispering it steadily.

Every inch of me was screaming for contact but I was paralyzed. Closing the distance between us, would mean letting all that fear go and I wasn't sure I had the strength to do it. So he did it for me. It was such wonderful freedom. He knew the worst and it didn't matter, I had seen him at his lowest and he was still my safeguard. I was letting him in, trusting him, and knowing that no matter what he was going to save me. It started slowly, kisses that were long, languid, and soft soon turned into hurried and passionate. I was pressed against the wall of the cave the cold stone a sharp contrast to the warmth of is body. His lips were fervently tracing kisses along my neck, behind my ear, my eyelids, and my cheeks -- memorizing every inch of me. I struggled to form words, the smell of him flooding my senses, his hands on me, the scratch of his stubble on my cheek. My breathe was ragged as I whispered in his ear, "I love you. I love you. I love you." Over and over again as if it were a mantra. When he heard the words he stopped, looking me in the eyes intently as his mouth turned into a grin. Saying simply, "I know." before crashing his lips into me again. Our kiss was deepening, both of us getting more and more impatient but, all I could think was stop…this is not right…Sawyer…I can't do this…not fair to him…not his fault…Jack please…we have to…we can't do this…to him. And I pulled away.

"Jack wait a minute…we need to stop..We.." I was desperate to catch my breathe.

"Kate…don't…what's wrong?...I thought you wanted me…I thought you wanted this" He looked so abandoned, so confused.

"Oh God Jack, of course I want this…I want you…more than anything…I have for so long…but what about Sawyer? Where does this leave him?"

"Honestly, at the moment I couldn't give a damn how Sawyer is doing…he is not exactly the one on my mind" He shot me that rakish grin, and I almost melted into the floor.

"He doesn't deserve to be just discarded. It's not his fault. We can't do this Jack and you know it." I'm not sure who I was trying to convince more here – me or him.

"Kate, look at me" he pulled my face toward his, and I didn't turn away. Not this time.

"Do you love Sawyer?" his eyes were afraid for the answer, but they were also desperate to know. "I need to know. If you do… then I'll walk. I'll step aside. But you are going to have to be the one to end it, to push, because I am in this…you've got me and I'm not leaving you until you say go." His unwavering devotion was once again making me shiver.

"Jack, he is a good person, he has been my friend, and my support when…when I thought I had lost you but I don't love him. I couldn't he's…he's not you."

"Then we aren't doing anything wrong."

"But what is this going to do to him? When he finds out?"

"What makes you think he doesn't already know?" There was that damn grin again, the one that makes me melt, and before I could say anything else his arms were around me and I was being pulled into another mind-numbing kiss. After that it was hard to remember my name let alone Sawyer's.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry about the lack of updates everyone! Please don't give up on me! Once again I am picking my writing apart, editing it to death to make sure that the dialogue flows honestly. I don't want to post a so-so chapter just to post it quickly. Quality over Quantity right? This chapter is really important to the story so I want to take my time with it. I'm thinking Thursday I should have it posted. Until then…

Oh yes, One more thing…

**Thank you so much for the reviews.** It means so much, you just can't imagine how good it makes me feel when I look online and see another kind review. They're like little presents! So please keep them coming, they are such motivators. When ya'll take the time to review it makes me want to spend more time writing.


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